


Attack of the Killer Penis Plants (Head Shot to the Eye)

by lightly



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Not to be taken seriously, Tags May Change, Traumatized Scott, actually no I'm not, giant flying penis, oh god I'm SORRY, penis plant, penis plant juice, the pack go on vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-02-15 13:46:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2231310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightly/pseuds/lightly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“This,” Stiles hissed, jabbing his finger in Derek's general direction.  “This is all your fault!”</p>
<p>“How?”  Derek asked.  Except he didn't really ask, his tone indicated this was more of a statement than a question.  It was really irritating when he did that.  “How is this my fault?  It wasn't even my idea to come to this stupid island.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Attack of the Killer Penis Plants (Head Shot to the Eye)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a fandom get together, we aim to be inappropriate.

Attack of Killer Penis Plants (Head Shot to the Eye)

 

“This,” Stiles hissed, jabbing his finger in Derek's general direction. “This is all your fault!”

“How?” Derek asked. Except he didn't really ask, his tone indicated this was more of a statement than a question. It was really irritating when he did that. “How is this my fault? It wasn't even my idea to come to this stupid island.”

“It's your face.” Stiles muttered. “You're face attracts weirdness.” Stiles all but whispered the words, but Derek heard them anyway. Of course he did. Fucking werewolves. 

Derek snorted out something that was almost a laugh and turned away. Maybe he was turning to go back to the hut/cabin thing that Scott had rented for them all. (Note to self: Never let Scott book the vacations, ever again.) Maybe Derek was turning away to put some space between himself and Stiles (they had been pressed pretty close together, that seemed to happen a lot.) Stiles would never know what Derek was planning on doing, because Derek immediately turned back to him and tackled Stiles to the ground as a giant penis hurtled passed them. If their heads had still been where their heads had just been, then they would have gotten an entirely different kind of head. Right to the face.

“Holy fuck!” Stiles yelped as he tried to push Derek off of him. He wanted to get up and get a better look at what that thing was. “I think I saw that in a movie once.”

“I do not want to know what kind of movies you watch.” Derek growled. He stood up, pulling Stiles to his feet. “Come on, we need to get out of here before that thing comes back this way.”

“That was a flying penis.” Stiles said. Hey, Stiles was allowed freak out time right now. Up to this point they hadn't gotten a good look at the weird flying objects that Kira had first spotted, so they decided that they should split up and go look for them. No way that could ever be a bad idea... Anyway, Stiles and Derek ended up getting paired together. (That seemed to happen a lot too. ) “A flying penis.”

“Yes, Stiles, I saw it too!"

“An actual giant flying penis. A penis, that was flying.”

“Yes, Stiles. Now come on, we have to get back to the cabin and find the others.

Stiles was about to retort with something witty, an epic one liner, or maybe he was just going to comment on the flying penis again. Whatever he was about to say was interrupted by the sound of someone screaming. A thin high pitched wail coming from somewhere in the distance.

“Was that Lydia?” Derek asked. “That didn't really sound like Lydia.”

“I think it was Scott. It might have been Liam but I really think it was Scott.

“We better get over there, that thing could be attacking them.”

Stiles winced. Oh hell, Scott would not do well with penises flying at his face. Lydia and Kira would be ok (he hoped) Scott (and probably Liam) would be scarred for life.

Derek took off at a run, Stiles loped gamely behind him but he didn't have any real hopes of keeping up for long. Fucking werewolves.

They didn't make it to the cabin.

Stiles ploughed right into Derek's back because Derek had stopped short. Stiles peered around Derek's stupidly broad shoulders to see what, if anything, was blocking the path.

“What the fuck is that?” Stiles said with undisguised awe and disgust.

“I have no idea.”

“Where did it come from? Because that thing sure as fuck wasn't there when we left. I am pretty sure I would have noticed.”

“Stiles?”

“Yes?”

“Shut up and back away. Slowly.”

“Roger that”

Stiles stepped away from Derek, immediately missing the warmth from being pressed up against Derek's back. Or maybe he just missed the sense of safety that being tucked behind Derek provided. Whatever it was, he missed it. Slowly he backed up some more, Derek mirrored his movements step for step, keeping himself between Stiles and the plant thing, the tentacle plant thing. 

“Is it moving?” Stiles gulped out the question. “It is, isn't is? Is it following us?”

Derek didn't even bother to answer that because of course the thing was following them. Stiles couldn't see its legs, he couldn't see if it even had any legs. It seemed to ooze forward, a seething mass of tentacles. At the end of each tentacle was a penis and each penis seemed to be winking at them. It was a penis plant. A penis/tentacle plant. Of course it was. Fuck his life.

“Let's go to a tropical island, Scott said.” Stiles muttered darkly. “It'll be fun, Scott said. Nothing bad could happen to us on a tropical island, Scott said.”

“Stiles, shut up!”

“No, I told Scott a lot of bad things could happen to us on a tropical island. Up to and including flying sharks and a demon piñata.”

“Stiles!”

“I have to admit I didn't not envision a disaster in the form of a penis plant and giant flying penises. Totally didn't not see that one coming. Oh god, does it look like it's coming?”

The tentacles not only had penises, they had some decent sized ball sacks too. The ball sacks had tightened up like they were readying to shoot off an epic load.

“Oh man! It's coming in our direction!”

“Stiles, shut up and run.”

Stiles shut up and he ran! They didn't get very far. Or at least Stiles didn't get very far before Derek was once again tackling him to the ground. This was getting to be a thing, a thing that Stiles wasn't starting to enjoy. He wasn't. He really wasn't enjoying himself a few minutes later when he and Derek were both splattered with something Stiles really didn't want to put a name to. Juice from a penis plant. They were covered in juice from a penis plant.

Oh god. Ewwwwww.

Derek stood back up again, yanking Stiles up with him. The penis plant looked like it was readying to shoot off another load. Huh, that was a quick refractory period. Stiles was going with the plant being a male, what with all the penises and all. But Stiles didn't really have a clue about plant genders.

“RUN!” They both yelled, then they ran while giant penises flew over their heads. Stiles was so going to have strong words with Scott about this vacation. Assuming Scott was still sane when they found him.

“We need to find the others, get to the boat and get off this island.” Derek said, breathing easily as he ran. Fucker wasn't even a little bit winded. Fucking werewolves.

“Good...” Stiles panted “...plan.”

They didn't get very far. Again. Stiles was starting to see a pattern in this.

Another penis plant was squatting in their path.

“Is that the same one?” Stiles asked, knowing it was a stupid question but he couldn't stop the words. “Tell me that is the same one, there can't be more than one of them.”

“Stiles!”

“Do not tell me to shut up again, or I swear to god I am going to...”

Stiles didn't get to tell Derek what he was going to do (but it was going to be an epic burn) because the new penis plant shot at them. Not plant juice this time, but a missile. A penis shaped missile. A penis missile. It was abnormally thick and long and Stiles had enough time to think that he really had seen this in a movie once, before the thing wrapped itself around their necks. Both their necks, at the same time. Trapping them both together in a way Stiles had never experienced before and he couldn't honestly say he didn't like it. The circumstances could have been better. But the closeness was nice, the press of their bodies was very very nice. And ha! Derek had an erection too! So if and when they made it out of this alive then Stiles wouldn't be the only one mortally embarrassed.

He and Derek were about the same height. Stiles had never really noticed that before. Derek liked to loom over people, he seemed to fill up all the available space, he always seemed like he was ten feet tall. But he was about the same size as Stiles and Stiles really kind of liked that.

The penis tightened its hold around their necks, smushing their faces together. Their mouths touched. Wow, if they weren't being strangled by a penis shot out of a hostile penis plant then Stiles could really start to enjoy this. Stiles started to grind himself against Derek's thigh, he couldn't help himself. Maybe he could blame it on the plant juice, kind of like sex pollen only a lot messier. Derek could blame his erection on that too and they would both come out of this ok. Hee, come. Stiles really wanted to come all over Derek's face.

“Stiles.” Derek said, his voice low with warning. His voice was also muffled from where his mouth was smushed against Stiles's mouth. “What did you just say?”

Oh god, did he just say that out loud?

“Oh god, did I just say that out loud?”

The penis thing tightened around them again. It couldn't properly strangle them, it didn't have enough purchase for that. But it could crush their heads together, it could snap their necks. Stiles would die horribly, but Derek would probably heal up ok. Fucking werewolves.

Stiles opened his mouth to say something amazing and witty, the perfect last words. Derek also opened his mouth to say something, something less witty obviously. The main thing was both their mouths were opened at the same time and suddenly there was kissing. Awkward, uncomfortable, smushed mouth kissing, but it was still kissing.

Stiles really hoped that someone had the presence of mind to put this on his headstone. 'Strangled by giant flying penis while kissing Derek Hale.'

The penis around them tightened, he and Derek were pressed closer together. Stiles found himself putting his arms around Derek's waist. Probably in retaliation to Derek putting his arms around Stiles. Then the pressure of their penis necklace was gone. It just fell away. Derek still held Stiles in his arms, though. Derek didn't let go. And the kissing, the kissing got less smushed and awkward and more heated and enthusiastic. Stiles still really wanted to come all over Derek's face, but this time he couldn't say that out loud due to Derek trying to shove his tongue down Stiles's throat. Stiles was sure he could smell burning and that there was something else they should be doing. But Derek was still kissing him so those other things could wait.

“Ahem.” A soft clearing of a throat.

Or maybe those other things couldn't wait.

“When you two are finished, we have some cleaning up to do.”

A cool, no nonsense voice. Lydia.

“Hey Lydia.” Stiles said once he had managed to detach himself from Derek's lips. “What's going on?”

Lydia sighed and didn't answer because it was kind of obvious what was going on. Lydia had a can of lighter fluid in one hand and a box of matches in the other. The penis plant was on fire. 

“Come on,” she said. “There are a lot of these things and I don't feel like setting all of them on fire. We need to tell someone about them, they need to be studied.”

Lydia was talking as she walked away from them but Stiles wasn't really listening. Derek was holding his hand and that was so awesome Stiles couldn't even express how awesome it was. Stiles tuned back into what Lydia was saying in time to hear:

“Scott is traumatized. He took a head shot to the eye.”

Stiles winced, ouch, poor Scott. But really, all Stiles wanted to know was if he could do the making out thing with Derek again later, once they got off the island. To check and make sure that the last time wasn't just because of the penis plant juice.

“Yes.” Derek said tersely.

“Oh god, I said that out loud didn't I?”

Derek just nodded and gave his hand a little squeeze. “Yes.” He said.

 

The end.


End file.
